money

I dreamed I was getting married.  We were in a city ike New York, staying n a high rise apartment.  That morning was hectic, my hair in rollers and I was in a tshirt, jeans and a big white robe.

Someone sent over a regionally renown chef to make us a wedding brunch.  She came in with haphazard bags, a dog, and a cat.  She dimped everything in the galley kitchen, including the animals, and settled into the living room to conduct an interview.  The cat and dog had unsupervised run of the kitchen.

After taking all this in I get notification that a tour group was en route to the apartment - apparently they had booked a brunch with this chef, at this loction, at the same time as our brunch.  I am livid and truly confused.  I take my friend and we go down the street to meet the group.  After they confirm their reservation I graciously lead them up to the apartment, past the interview and straight into the kitchen with the dog and the cat.

They cancel their reservation.

Back on the street I help them book a new reservation at a restaurant down the street.  They are so grateful to me that they crowdfund $2000 and Cashapp it to me immediately.  I try to decline but they insist, then go off to enjoy their brunch.

Back in the apartment more people have come in and left various luggage and things all over.  As we pick our way through I come across a bag full of white envelopes.  There is money overflowing it, and the envelopes all have my name written in cursive.  I am floored.  I am overjoyed.  I start to cry and just chant "thank you, thank you" over and over.

Alone

 I dreamed I went home to MS to visit family.  On the day I was to return to AL I woke up just in time to see my mom (currently deceased) and my cousin climb into a vehicle and drive off, presumably to go to Mom's cancer appointment.  They didn't even say goodbye.

I felt sad, but this wasn't entirely unexpected.  I go to pack my things in the truck I was driving home and realized it was one that had been lent to me.  I decided I wanted to "strike out on my own" so I was going to find my own way back, without the truck.  As I am unpacking it a construction crew comes rumbling down our little country road fixing power lines.  One of the trucks runs directly into our yard and drops a utility pole across the truck while also pushing the truck into the side of the house. 

I was freaked out, devastated, confused, and in hysterics.  How was I going to explain this to my mom and my cousin?  Who would believe me, as the construction crew now rumbled on down the road?  

I went back into the house and Big DeeDee from Half & Half (my favorite show), is in the kitchen staring at the stove.  She is wearing silk pajamas and, though she doesn't really cook she is making herself breakfast.  I tell her what happened but she shrugs it off, saying "I'm too rich to care".  But she does sit down with me as I break down and cry.  Tears dry pretty quickly, though, and we watch a game show.

At 11:05am I suddenly jump up - I remember I was supposed to be at work at 8am!  I haven't even logged in to let my team know I would have to work remote, and now all my jobs are late.  I fumble with my phone, trying to send a hangout to the team, but the battery is nearly dead and I can hardly see the screen to type.  I go into hysterics again, Big DeeDee patting my back and yawning sympathetically, as I wail "I can't do this anymore!"

And then I wake up with a headache.

The last of the beginning

7 months ago we were victims of an apartment fire.

While we weren't burned out, we did endure a lot of soot and water damage.  We were unable to return to living in the apartment and had to be moved by our complex into a new apartment.

We lost our kitty cat in the fire, as well.

There are so many facets to this event that are difficult, complicated, varied.  We had to deal with this event on so many different levels.  We are still dealing with this event on some.

This morning I finally had the desire, energy, and determination to wash the last of the dishes we had to pack up in a haste when we left the old apartment.  There were about 6 pieces, all cast iron.

It took a long time because I knew that there would be a need for elbow grease, stamina, and time.  I just didn't want to commit that.

I felt like I had committed so much to this event.  I still understand that I have a long way to go in dealing with this. 

I'm TERRIBLE when it comes to dealing with grief.  I can identify it.  I definitely know what it feels like and I know what it is to experience it.

But dealing?  I don't.  I shut down.  I immediately pivot and look for someone or something that needs my support so that I don't have to consider my own issues.

And so they fester.  I hide them, or refuse to acknowledge them, and just let them fester behind doors that I refuse to open.  I'll walk past my grief a thousand times, knowing the damage I am doing and that the work when I have to confront this will be that much harder.

I doubt I'm an anomaly in this. 

I understand that not putting in the effort all at once to get "back to normal" after the fire was a form of grief.  An anti-action, not just an inaction.  I understand that walking past those dishes each day, even when I stood right next to them and washed other dishes was a way of not dealing with what happened.

I am beginning to understand emotional and psychological survival.  I am starting to see how sometimes our actions are born from trying to shut ourselves off emotionally from trauma.  Sure, I helped move our stuff from our old apartment into this new one, and I unpacked what I could; shopped for new mattresses, supplies, food.  When we got our dishes unpacked I soaked what we could in vinegar and helped scrub utensils.

But I never stopped working.  I exhausted my body and mind so that I would be too tired to think about what was happening to us.  I did not give myself time to accept that we would live for the first time without cats.  We went without what we were used to for so long because we just didn't want to have to recap the whole event.  We didn't always react so well when we were confronted with memories.

Washing and seasoning those last few pieces of cast iron is not a major event.  It does mark a significant point, though - kind of an end to the beginning of a new era in our lives - the time after the fire. 

The time after we left Sylvester in the apartment because we thought we'd be back, but we weren't and he died. 

The time after we got completely derailed in our plans to buy a house and move toward opening our own businesses and would need to start again. 

The time after we were doing so well with our finances, finally, after so long of living paycheck to paycheck.

But also a beginning.  We can reevaluate.  We can take a second look and do things better.  What was working then might work even better a bit differently now.  We may be tired but we can still try.

Grad

Part one
My school is located in the church cemetery.  Teacher lives in a crypt - he is near death so starts calling us in one by one to berate us but also give us heirlooms.  One classmate gets a sleeve of extremely rare large coin sized dishes worth millions.

Come home; former coworker has moved in with a dog.  He had a bad day at work so baked brownies and made coffee.

Nearing end of the semester and classmates plus their spouses from high school show up on my porch with green robes for ceremony.  We all don them and practice taking pictures for my big day.

Goo

Dreamed I was in a school building and a guy was in line with me. He was super nervous.  When we got inside we faced a very pretty but bitchy girl he had sexually assaulted a few years back.  He wanted to come back and apolgize to her and lso introduce her to his wife and daughter.

The girl and her sister refused and the girl actually got so angry and scared that she overheated and zapped the guy into a puddle of goo.  Her sister wiped him up with a paper towel. 

A cat came along and begin licking the towel, so we had to try and wrestle it  away, put it in a ziplock bag, and trek across town to the science lab to try and clone him.

Sagittarius

Sometimes I think we Sags are a conglomeration of the rest of the zodiac.  Maybe because our sign is "arched" outward and upward, we missed the more obvious traits of our zodiac kin and thus emulate inadvertently?

For instance, Sags are mostly known for being emotionless and full of adventure.  But also:

We are quite optimistic, but can be super short tempered like an Aries

It can be hard but we can be loyal to the right person, like Taurus.  However, we can be so bullheaded!

The twins, ye olde Gemini, are so two-faced sometimes.  Sadly we Sags can be just as dirty, though we at least are engaging and energetic about it...

We can definitely be just as emotional as a Cancer, though we love to dish out advice and care like most Cancers, too.

Who's more friendly than a cuddly Leo?  Obviously a Sag, but don't slip up and tell us because our egos can be massive...

It's mostly hidden, but we Sags tend to be A-Types, perfectionists, even, just like our fellow Virgos.  But it's only because we're so good at everything, just like them...

I've noticed that many Sagittarius tend to get involved in social justice.  Much like Libras, we strive to be fair and balanced...but also like Libras, we can be so darned indecisive.

Scorpios are so moody sometimes, but when they are on a happy streak they will exhaust you with their passions.  Who else does that sound like?  (Hint:  Sagittarius)

There's a reason why Sagittarius is a fire sign.  Like Capricorn, we are driven to success...but if you cross us, we will instantly cut you off.  So cold blooded...

Ah, Aquarius, so full of love for humanity and good will.  These traits are quite apparent in Sagittarius too, and also like Aquarius we can be perceived as distant and lost in our own ideals...

It's so easy to hurt the feelings of a Pisces.  This is because sometimes their imagination and creativity knows no bounds.  We Sags are this, but we might not tell you about it.

Ref:  https://zodiacfire.com/best-worst-trait-zodiac-sign/

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