Ramblings of a spiritually frustrated individual

So, I've been sitting here listening to gospel songs for the past 2 hours.  Used to, I could get motivated to get up and do whatever needed to be done just from listening to a few strands of music, but now, it feels like something is missing.

I haven't been to a church worship service in quite a while now.  I actually can't remember the last one...oh wait, yeah, I can.  It was a Polish Catholic service down in Florida.  That was kinda cool.

My mother (God rest her soul) would have a conniption if she knew I wasn't headed to worship service tomorrow.  Actually, my mother-in-law has been having a few conniptions for that reason.  I just...

Truthfully?  I don't feel a pull.  I feel a need, but not a pull.  Does that make sense? Not saying that I want the service to come to me, but...

The oddest thing about my frustration is, my belief in God has not lessened.  If anything, it's grown stronger.  I've actually found myself making better decisions spiritually.  Like, when I was in my 20s, I'd do stuff, being the headstrong individual that I was, and just figure "God will forgive me for this if it turns out to be not of His plan."  (I guess that's a part of growing up).  But now, I'll say, "maybe I won't do that this time, because God's not going to be happy with me for choosing that path."  

Well, I say that most times, anyway.  Still get myself into situations, but not nearly as often.

My biggest problem (and this spans MOST of my life) is that I am entirely unmotivated.  To really do anything.  It's amazing I've lasted in school two semesters already, and actually looking forward to the third one.  But once I leave the classroom, I'm totally apathetic about doing anything else to enrich my life, except maybe volunteer work every now and again.

Maybe I'm depressed.  

I think I'm a little conceited, too.  I used to could fool myself into thinking that my way was God's way, but now I'm acutely aware that this is not the case.  I still make the mistake of making a decision and then praying "God, if this is Your will, please let this work."  It's hard to break a habit.

I realize a lot of what I don't like about going to church is, to me, there's too much singing, not enough instruction.  Too much emphasis on fellowship, not enough direction.  

I feel drawn to the Catholic church, but I also feel drawn to the Methodist church.  Wonder what that means?  I was raised Baptist, and my favorite minister once said "the Catholic faith is the whore of all religions".  And then, I heard another minister, a year or so ago, say that all people who did not accept Jesus BEFORE Jesus even walked the Earth probably went to Hell (or something like that).  

Can't get down with that mentality.  Catholicism, Buddhism, Islam, etc - sometimes these religions or beliefs get some people closer to heaven than Bible-thumping and hellfire.  It grates on my nerves when Christians move to shut out other religions just because it's not Christianity.

On the flip side, how DARE some of these people speak against our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?  Or discount the existence of the Holy Spirit?  Or say there is no God?  It's all madness.

My knee-jerk reaction is to say "where is my place in all this?"  but then, maybe my "place" is to be slightly uncomfortable, right?  that keeps me moving.  that keeps me questing.  that makes me remember that I shouldn't become complacent with where I am and that I should continue to seek.

My basic belief is that God created everything, sent His son Jesus to heal the world when we all went mad, and Jesus said "let me ease you on back into heaven by comforting you with the Holy Spirit" (loosely translated).  But back to that "God created everything" bit:

I'll bet He also created the basic tenets of Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, etc, right?  And we just ran in all kinds of different directions with them.  

And I totally get down with the idea that God doesn't allow bad things to happen but we open ourselves to bad things because of our nature.  Big or small, some human probably did something at some point to start a chain of events that eventually led up to whatever happened.  God created everything, but He is not in or of everything.  Some things, human nature brings upon itself.

That makes sense in my head.  Goes along with that "free will" and all that.  Even if we don't conciously "choose", sometimes our decisions or actions can still leave us vulnerable to...whatever.

Yeah, I figure I've got a lot to learn.  But I feel I've also learned a lot.  Like I say, I'm a student of life - both physical and spiritual (which encompasses emotional).